Chloe Filipa Grace Calder, 6th Sep – 27th Nov 2016
No one prepares you for the news your baby will come too soon.
Hearing the words, “There’s no water”, I felt an impending doom.
We hoped that maybe, just maybe, you wouldn’t come out yet.
I stayed in hospital on bed rest and I tried hard not to fret.
The goal was to keep you inside, to grow you, whatever it takes,
I meditated for calm amongst mountains, and I ate a great many cakes.
I tried to fatten you up, get you strong for our world,
But you chose, too soon, to be ready and quickly those plans unfurled.
The doctors planned for a c-section, but there was no bed for when you arrived,
We went to Brighton but thankfully, ‘back to London’, you were smart to decide.
Amongst mayhem you were calm, you handled things your own way,
You moved position and came naturally, our family formed on a Tuesday.
Baby Chloe Filipa Grace, we needed you good to go,
Apparently, ‘Girls do best’ – info we were happy to know.
You were placed from day 1 in an incubator; Flipper’s aquarium your new home,
With friendly sharks and other companions, you knew you were never alone.
At first we underestimated your immense challenge and plight,
Just making it through the first week required one heck of a fight.
Bad blood pressure and salt levels, your fluid intake maxed out,
But you hung on with gusto, despite the Doctor’s doubt.
In time we learned many medical terms and we watched all colours of lights,
O2 sats, heart rate, blood gases… beeps and alarms in my dreams most nights.
Doctors’ planned, replanned and replanned, nurses hugged us when things were bad,
And our whatsapp group updates documented the days we had had.
We read to you for hours, or we watched “baby tv”.
I could be nowhere but with you - just my little girl and me.
Except in the dairy farm, with Mums pumping the ‘gold top’,
These friends and the nurses helped me stand brave, to smile and not flop.
Your biggest issue was breathing, eyes, brain, and gut seemed strong,
But your poorly lungs, meant all attempts on CPAP went wrong.
Though the ventilator was vital, it brought lung disease with it,
We raced to beat the damage, to grow you bigger and fit.
But infections also brought many delays, with the news each time, our hearts sinking,
“When is her moment going to be?”, your worried parents were always thinking.
A PDA, rotavirus, operations, all things that add another day,
You had seventeen intubations, each causing damage to your airway.
But we also had happy days, where good times outweighed the low.
Your will to survive lifted us, it was what we needed to know.
You were your own character, a feisty girl from the start,
You touched hearts of many; Grace, determination set you apart.
It was hard to be mum, with you housed, tied to lines in a box,
But it was easy to love you… tiny hands, bright eyes and feet with no socks,
Holding hands, changing nappies, hours cuddling skin-to-skin.
We were so close in those moments…I’d felt so sure we would win.
I never thought you’d concede this fight, positive hope shone so brightly,
You got older, you grew stronger, and you held my finger so tightly,
My heart hurts that we’re here, that we couldn’t help you enough
I cry heavy tears of sadness and I wish life wasn’t so tough.
But, I will always treasure the light you brought to our life,
How inspired we were seeing you, handle so much trouble and strife.
Our gorgeous, strong girl, handling things your own way.
Such determination and grace is your legacy, here to stay.
I will never forget you, learnings I hold deep inside…
Treasure each day. Life is worth it …even though you died.
Value the ups with the downs; love, hope, despair or fear.
You taught me so much, Baby Girl. Thank you for your time with me here.
We will keep sharing your story, because we’re incredibly proud of you.
And when we need space to remember, we’ll climb a mountain and take in the view,
When the clouds blow clear we will smile because for certain we will know,
That it’s you, our Baby Angel, waving your wings to say, ‘Hello’!
Love from Mummy XxX