Dear Chloe,

We can’t believe another year has passed without you here with us. We still miss you terribly and think of you all the time.

This year your little bigger brother joined our family. We tell him about you all the time. It was precious when he joined us, because we were in the same hospital, and the midwife who helped us when you were born looked after Mummy whilst she was being induced.  Then, after Freddy was born, she came to visit him. We talked about you a lot. So many of the nurses at the hospital remember you too.  Your little brother arrived safely, and strong, in many parts because of what we learned from you. What help Mummy needed to carry Freddy to term, and what we needed to be aware and careful of. We are so grateful to you for that. Our angel, and now Freddy’s guardian angel… thank you. 

I wrote to you not long after Freddy was born… this is what I said.

Dear Chloe,

We miss you. Our family hasn’t felt the ever-present gaping hole so vividly in quite some time. Probably since our wedding. It is in these rawest of family life moments that we work even harder to talk about you, to include you and to remember you - so that you are not the daughter we lost nearly two years ago, but you are our first born, a vital member of our family - a part of us, and very much here with us. We welcomed your bigger little brother to our world with unadulterated happiness, and yet in the very same breath missed you through uncontrollable sobs....

I have been so frightened of my emotions and how I would feel... excited to hold Freddy in my arms, but being unable to introduce you and have you hold him too. I’ve wanted to worry about whether you would cope well in being his big sister and sharing our attention, and known with sadness that’s not going to be an issue for us...

But you ARE with us. You are with us every minute of every day. Irreplaceable, unforgettable and deeply, deeply loved. You live on in our hearts, in our memories and your legacy is great and powerful...

It is because of that legacy that wriggly Freddy will grow up knowing you. Not just through pride in the funding and awareness raised to help others, and not only for the guardian angel role you have played during every moment of our pregnancy, birth (and will continue to play in life ongoing) but critically because of the lessons you taught us during your short, but heroic fight for life.

Because of you we will be able to teach Freddy....

- The importance of courage over fear

- The power of a mother‘s love.

- The complexities of emotions and the need for open communication

- The value in finding calm amidst mayhem

- To notice the little things every day, be patient and to slow down

- To appreciate the innate depth of resilience within us all (and to support others to find it when they need)

- That problems shared are easier to cope with - nobody should navigate life’s traumas and challenges alone

- The importance of asking for help (and offering it to others)

- To be brave, your voice is valid and important

- intuition is normally right

- grief, when you are unfortunate enough to experience it, does not leave us... we grow around it.

- some days we have to decide between surviving and thriving... and both absolutely have their place.

- To appreciate the beauty and depth of the human spirit, and the power of community.

- And to ALWAYS remember to show gratitude to the amazing people who give so much of themselves to help others

You are our amazing baby girl. Our Flipper. Our guardian angel and our biggest life lesson. Freddy’s little big sister. We miss you so much right now, it hurts like we just lost you again... but you are always here, filling our hearts with love.

Thankyou, my baby girl. We love you xxxx

Of course this year has not only been about Freddy (though he takes up a lot of time!!).

On your birthday we went to Chamonix with Baby Freddy and we hiked up a hill for you. We took pictures of you and Freddy and marveled at how similar the two of you are. We cried and we hugged each other and we celebrated having been able to meet you, to hug you, to talk to you and to love you whilst you were alive. 

We have been building upon your legacy, as we will always do. Daddy has done lots of work with Bliss to help them with a refresh of their strategy for the next 3 years – Daddy and the CEO spent lots of time on the whiteboard together helping them to make smart decisions, use their resources well, and make things better for other families like us. In addition people have been raising funds and awareness for your Precious Star fund.

Granny Calder, and Kate Lott both baked yummy cakes and shared them, and your story with their friends to raise money.

Tracey trained really hard to run a half marathon – something she has never done before.

Laura strapped herself to the wings of a plane and flew up in the sky (probably to be a bit closer to you up there soaring in the skies) and she raised an incredible amount of money for your fund.

We have taken so much joy from watching these people push themselves to help others, and to keep your memory very much alive. 

There are of course other ways that you have been close to us. We met a young girl, Shanny, when in hospital and her baby was due the same time as Freddy.  Except baby Harley was born at just 24 weeks, and she went into the same NNU as you did. The same nurses and doctors fought to save her life, and we spent a lot of time with Shanny and her family to help them on their journey – and Harley is doing really well at home with her Mummy. They believe that Angel Chloe was there to guide Harley through, and we do too.

A lady who lost her little boy, Gabriel, is fundraising for Tommy’s charity (another good baby charity), and she drew a doodle calendar for 2019. In September, the month you were born, she has included a little Whale for our little Flipper.

Your nursery friends from ICU1 are all also doing well. They have had to work hard, as all premature babies do, but they are thriving. Baby Neo and his Mum Chelsea are doing well and we see them often – always talking about you too. Neo needs a lot of help because of his disabilities, but he’s learning to walk with help and he smiles the biggest smiles you could imagine.

There are so many ways that we ensure you stay with us, baby girl. Your memory will always shine brightly in our hearts. I hold you in my wedding ring and kiss you everyday, and of course there are candles that burn regularly to remind us of the light you brought to our life. Here is a picture of the St George's NNU annual memorial. Freddy was there was we lit your candle along with all the other parents who miss their babies as much as we miss you.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you little girl – as always, we have donated your presents to Bliss.  We look forward to continuing to build your legacy in 2019.